Self Love, Part 1: A Beginning

"I hate going to the gym and seeing those overweight people wearing leggings and workout tops. If you need to wear anything bigger than a large, you should just stick to baggy t-shirts and sweatpants."

An old coworker said this loudly while standing directly behind me. And I wear XL.

I interacted with this person on a daily basis, and I assume the best in her. She didn't direct this statement toward me, and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt by assuming she didn't notice I was sitting right in front of her. I don't begrudge her for saying it, nor do I think the statement makes her mean or stupid or anything like that.

But that doesn't negate the fact that I had to leave to go cry in the bathroom when I heard it.

I didn't confront her or say anything to anyone about her statement. Maybe that's why it hurt so much.

Obesity is a taboo subject for most people. We avoid talking about it because we don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable; we don't want to be rude; we don't want to confront our own body image insecurities. But that train of thought makes the problem that much worse.

Lately, I have seen tons of body-positive posts around the internet. There are articles advocating for body positivity and self-love. There are dozens of BuzzFeed videos about girls who are overweight conquering stereotypes by breaking fashion rules and walking on runways. There are even ad campaigns like the 67% Project, which aims to show people as they really are. The project's site explains that "Most American women are plus-size, but they make up less than 2% of the images we see." I'm also obsessed with the wonderful show This Is Us, which dedicates a decent portion of its airtime to the issues faced by the sister, Kate, as she struggles to "lose the weight."

Even when these positive images exist, though, the fact that they need to exist proves the problem. A college friend, Hannah McCarthy, summed it up perfectly when she recently posted an article about plus-size actresses with this caption: "So here's the thing, at first glance this looks like great progress for body positivity. However, the fact that this article even exists is just proof that fat people still aren't regarded the same way as thin people, both in the media and in the real world." #Preach.

I see the same problem in my own world, even with my closest friends.

A while ago, I spend the weekend with two of my best friends, and we had an awesome time reminiscing and celebrating each other. The weather was gorgeous, so we even had time to do some outdoor yoga! While we were covering each other in sunscreen, one friend mentioned how she was so proud of the physical accomplishments she's made; she pointed to the spot on her back between her bra line and her arm, saying, "I feel like I can finally wear this shirt because this spot used to be a fat bulge, but now it's flat!" I was thrilled for her, knowing the hard work she put in over her months of training.

Laughing, I turned around and pointed to my own over-bra fat-bulge and said, "Looks like I've got yours it now!"

In one beat, her face fell into exasperation as she said, "Oh come on, stop it," and walked outside.

I don't know which of us (if either of us) was wrong, but I felt uncomfortable bringing it up again.

Was she joking? Was I detracting from her moment of accomplishment? Was she just trying to keep the focus on her success? Was I making her uncomfortable? Was she tired of seeing my failure? Was I being a bad friend? Was she grossed out by me? 

I couldn't ask those questions because this weekend was supposed to be fun, not a saga about my personal problems.

If I can't even talk about the taboo issue of my own obesity with my best friends, how am I supposed to solve it?

I don't have the light-beam-from-the-sky answers to these questions, and I'm not writing this to ask for sympathy. Instead, my only purpose is to increase awareness. The fact that we need to talk about this means that there is a problem. The problem is not:

• people who are overweight
• people who are underweight
• people who are in the middle
• news media
• social media
• television and movies
• advertising
• clothing prices
• clothing availability
• sizing decisions
• fashion models
• Barbie
• disgust
• embarrassment
• eating disorders
• fast food
• restaurant culture
• alcohol
• grocery stores
• self-loathing
• social etiquette
• weight loss programs
• weight loss pills
• medical professionals
• building construction and design
• body positivity gurus
• body positivity deniers 

It's all of those things. If we don't address them now, when will we? Awareness alone won't solve the problem, but it's a beginning. Let's talk about it.

Self Love is a series in which I discuss body-related issues. Stay tuned, or sign up for email notifications to see more posts like this one.